When I open my eyes
by Cloudshimer
Summary: Something my friends asked to do - write a smal fic about what was going on in Ian's head after bipolar disorder kicked in until he snapped out of the depression stage


Ian couldn't open his eyes. It felt like the hardest job he ever did. Like someone put a stone on him and he couldn't move.  
The boy heard a familiar soft voice, talking to him. But Ian Gallagher felt dead inside. The voice, which usually made him chuckle and giggle, now seemed so fucking annoying and dull.  
After a while, redhead boy opened his eyes just to see Mickey's face directly in front of him. The older boy was saying something about getting up and beating a record for staying longest in the bed. Any other day Ian would grab that face with lot of bruises and scars, kiss it, laugh at a bit shocked impression Mickey had, whenever Ian kissed him. But today was really different. Ian pulled his blanket towards himself and growled "Just leave me alone!"  
Ian was shocked by his own tone. He never spoke to Mickey like that. And the look on older boy's face didn't help at all. Redhead just heard how he closed the door and after few seconds, he closed his own eyes.

_Everything was rather dull. He couldn't really understand whatever he was dreaming about the things he saw or it was really happening in front of him. First he saw his mom, Monica. She was lying on the bed, very still, she looked almost dead. Ian tried to call her name, but words never left his mouth. He saw Debbie and Fiona trying to get Monica out of bed and successfully failing at that. Ian sat on her bed, gently touching Monica's shoulder. His mom just shrugged and didn't say anything. _  
_"Do you want to go outside with me? Remember, how we used to, when I was little. Visit the zoo or the park?" Ian asked softly. Monica lifted her eyes. Ian was scared of that look. As if it would be dead inside. No happiness or joy. Just never ending darkness._

_Next thing Ian dreamed of was how he fucked up his life then he decided to join the army. What he was thinking about? He left his brothers and sisters, didn't call them or explained everything. How he could do that? Fiona was working day and night, trying to keep her family fed and warm. Ian was so selfish. He had to take care of Carl, Debbie and Liam. But instead... And the worst part was, he had to leave army and work at a fucking club. Like a barmen, like a stripper. And still didn't call his family. Didn't send some money to them. Shit went down at home, Liam almost died, Fiona fucked her life pretty badly, Lip barely managed to keep the kids fed. Oh, what a big screw up Ian Gallagher is._

He felt someone sitting on his bed. Someone touching his shoulder. Saying something. God, he wanted to sit up, answer to that someone. But he just didn't find the strength. He just felt this darkness, never ending pain mixed up with fear taking his body. Soon enough, he didn't care about anything else. The world just faded away. The only feeling that was now beating in his heart was terrorising fear.

_"Hello, Ian." Redhead lifted his head and so Carl, crouching next to him. "What are you doing here?"_

_Ian tried to answer, but he felt like someone was holding his throat close shut. _

_Carl smiled at him, with that cheeky adorable smile that he had."You are pretty pathetic. Do you think we will ever forgive you for leaving us? What, like you are the only one who had his heart broken. You are a loser, Ian. You supposed to protect me. Protect them. But instead you ran away. You expect we will welcome you with open arms and act like that never happened? Where were you when Liam was on the hospital bed, fighting for his life? Or when Fiona had a breakdown? You weren't there. Because your stupid, idiotic dreams where more important to you then family."_

_Ian wanted to scream, hold Carl, say sorry over and over again, but he couldn't move. He felt hot tears rolling down his chins. _

"Okay, I know you don't want me here, but I have to at least make sure you are drinking water." Ian felt someone pulling him up, putting a bottle of water around his lips. That felt so unreal, that Ian didn't even bother to focus on situation.

Mickey laid him down on the bed again and tried to look away. Tears were gathering in his eyes and there is no fucking way he will show that. "I will leave water here. And a sandwich. If you want."

_Redhead was deep asleep again. He sat on the bench in the park, looking at his family playing. No one wanted him to join. They threw him away like they always did with Frank. But the worst part was that Frank was actually playing with them. They just didn't want Ian there. _

_The boy turned his gaze and so a boy, holding hands with a really pretty lady. The boy had black hair, some tattoos on his arms. And a charming smile._

_"Mickey" Ian called a boy's name. Mickey soon enough walked up to him and raised his eyebrow._

_"What do you want, faggot?" Mickey wrapped his arm around his lady and laughed. "I always told you, you were just warm mouth for me. What, you though we will live happily ever after? That I will chase after you like some bitch? I have better things to do. I have to take care of my son, my sister. Even my brothers. I am no screw-up like you, Gallagher."_

After that, Ian didn't dream at all. It was just darkness, sometimes endless darkness. Sometimes it faded away, when someone tried to make sure that he eats or drinks even little bit.

After a long time that seemed like decades Ian Gallagher opened his eyes. He was in Milkovich house. The boy got up from the bed end looked around. Someone cleaned the room. There was no mess that usually was there. All the shoes, various clothes and stuff that could threaten Ian was taken away.

"After everything I have done to them... They still try to help me." Ian's voice was so fragile, so soft and so painfully depressing. He turned his head to a plate with a sandwich in it. The plate was made from glass. Something in Redhead's head started spinning, ash he lifted the plate. He smashed it by dropping it on the ground and lifted one of the sharp pieces.

Everything that he dreamed of started spinning around and Ian only whispered "I can't keep doing that to my family."

He stroked a sharp chip from a plate gently on his hand. His eyes looked on a vein. One harder push and it would be all over. All the fucked up choices that he made would be fixed. His family wouldn't have to deal with Ian anymore.

As he was about to slice open his vein, someone grabbed him.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE." Ian was a bit dizzy, trying to figure out who is holding him. "DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TO LEAVE ME LIKE THAT." Ian's eyes locked on a pair of blue eyes. It felt weird. Something warm was spreading through his entire body.

"Mickey." Ian whispered quietly.

The older boy just threw the chip through the window and then pulled Ian into his arms. "Don't. Please, Ian, I need you. I need you to be here, with me. I can'..."

Ian felt Mickey's hands, gently robbing his back. And that helped. All his senses, feelings, real memories started going back to him. The trance he was in for two weeks started to fade away.

"I am so sorry." he whispered and togged his head into Mickey's neck. The older boy felt Ian crying. So he hugged him even tighter. "It's okay, Gallagher. We will be okay."

After couple of days Mickey still couldn't stop himself from following Ian everywhere, making sure he won't do something stupid. They went to a doctor, but with a help of few harsh words and threatens, Ian was allowed to stay with his family while his medicine will be prepared.

Ian felt great now, buzzing like a bee around the house, cleaning, working, helping. He still felt bit scared, guilty, but as he looked up at his family, he only saw happy, protective faces. After all, they are the Gallaghers. Including Mickey. And Gallaghers can survive through every shit the Universe throws them.


End file.
